Doubt.

Okay so here I am reading through the book of John and Jesus is performing miracles like healing this man at the pool of Bethesda, turning water into wine, taking a couple of loaves of bread and some fish and feeding five thousand people, walking on water, you know, just another day in the life of Jesus. I’ve heard these stories a thousand times and they never really hit me until now. How incredible. For example: 

John 5:1-9

“After this there was a feast of the Jews, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, in Aramaic called Bethesda, which has five roofed colonnades. In these lay a multitude of invalids—blind, lame, and paralyzed. One man was there who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, ‘Do you want to be healed?’ The sick man answered him, ‘Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.’ Jesus said to him, ‘Get up, take up your bed, and walk.’ And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked.”

Seriously, can you imagine Jesus walking up to you, a person who has been blind, lame, and/or paralyzed for almost 40 years and then Jesus tells you to grab your things and walk and you are suddenly healed? All of your ailments are gone. You’re as healthy as an ox. Ahhh it’s so cool. Or how about this, you and your friends are on a boat, in the middle of the sea, there is no land and no one around and all of a sudden you see someone walking on the water and it’s Jesus. He’s walking to your boat. Crazy. Just crazy.

 So Jesus is performing all these miracles right? But then the Pharisees aren’t having it. They’re like “Who is this Jesus? He’s says he’s the Son of God. He’s not listening to us! Blasphemy.” And crowds of Jews are swarming Jesus trying to confront him about this with full intentions of arresting and killing him but they can’t because they see the glory of God in him. You know, this just baffles me. The Pharisees and hundreds, even thousands of other people could see first hand accounts of these miracles or hear these stories from friends and not believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God. How could you stand in the presence of Jesus Christ, be literally 5 feet away from the Savior and not believe in him? That’s crazy! Or is it?

 I’m such a hypocrite. Sometimes I feel like those Pharisees. I don’t doubt Jesus being the Son of God or anything but I find myself doubting God and what he’s doing. I’m like “Okay cool God. Well, I don’t really know what you want me to do now. I thought I was doing everything right and now it all got thrown back in my face. Now what?” The crazy thing is, I have access to God everyday. How might you ask? For starters, I have the bible. God breathed scripture. There are words in there that actually came out of Jesus mouth. The bible is how God speaks to so many. I also have prayer. I can literally talk to God whenever I want. If I’m having a bad day, I tell him about it. If I’m walking to class and stop to admire the beauty of God’s creation, I praise him for it. I can cry to him, sing to him, praise him anytime I want to and he hears me. He hears everyone. How neat is that?

 Finally, I see God in other people. No I don’t look people in the eyes and literally see the face of God in them or anything but by their words and actions and kindness and love. Seriously, I look at my mom and know that she has a heart for God because she loves so selflessly. She loves me and everyone else unconditionally no matter how many times we screw up. She is kind and compassionate and earnestly seeks God. So many of my friends and family are like that. I can see God working in them. It’s so encouraging knowing I have so many people like that in my life because sometimes you’re the only bible some people ever see. What a powerful thought. So if you’re ever feeling some doubt or disconnected from God say a little prayer or open your bible or maybe do both with a friend because God’s there waiting for you to come to him.

Relationships.

So this past weekend I got to thinking about relationships. I’ve been listening to the song “Beloved” by Tenth Avenue North and it has quickly become one of my favorite songs. A line from the song is:

 “chasing lovers it won’t satisfy…”

Relationships. We worry about them all the time; if we are in them, if we aren’t, if we’ve had many, or if we’ve had zero. When you’re in relationships you feel on top of the world and when you aren’t in one you feel like something’s wrong with you. It’s like you have a sign that says ‘Leprosy’ on your forehead and everyone can see it. For a very long time I struggled with this topic. I found that especially in junior high, high school, and college you have this intense need to feel wanted by somebody. You feel like if you just had a relationship with someone you would be whole and you would have everything you need. You feel like if you were in a relationship then everything would fall into place, you’d become the best possible version of yourself, and you wouldn’t have worries anymore. Chasing lovers is an easy but temporary place holder for feelings of happiness and completeness. I lived thinking worldly relationships could satisfy me for a long time. Granted sometimes I still feel that way but I’m on my way to getting where I need to go. Then I got to thinking about my relationship with Christ. Sure, it was good but was it as good as it could be? I always felt this empty feeling inside and had blamed it on not having worldly relationships but really could it have been because of my half-hearted relationship with God? Sure it’s wonderful to be in a relationship with someone. I am in no way looking down on people in relationships. I just believe that your relationship with Christ should be #1 before you even think about being in a relationship and once you are in a relationship I believe Christ should be the center of it. It’s so easy to want a relationship just because it’s nice to say you’re in one, but then once you’re in one you really get to see people and figure out who they are. As human beings, it is our downfall that we will always disappoint. No matter how much you don’t mean to or no matter how hard you try you will always disappoint and you will always be disappointed if you are looking for fulfillment in worldly relationships. With God, he never EVER disappoints you. He will never hurt you or leave you out to dry. He will never tell you that you’re not good enough. He will NEVER reject you. That is why once you are in a relationship make God the center of it. You are his child and all he wants to do is love you. The hardest part is having the courage to love Christ back. And not just with half of your heart, but with ALL of it. It’s a scary thing. Just letting go and falling in love with Jesus but it is also one of the most beautiful things you can encounter. Sure it’s not easy. You are going to struggle but God is there to help you with those struggles and to help you learn from them. I am nowhere near where I need to be in my relationship with Christ but I’m trying my hardest to get there. If you are hurting or confused about a relationship please just pray about it. Pray for peace and contentment. Pray to fall deeply in love with Christ. I’ve only recently begun to do this and honestly I’ve never felt so at peace. It’s beautiful. You are in the season you’re in because God knows its right for you. As Proverbs 16:9 says “We make our own plans but the Lord decides where we will go.” What a spiritual slap to the face huh?! Just try to remember that though. We are so arrogant in thinking we know what’s best for us but we don’t. Just fall in love with Christ and let him take care of things. Besides let’s be real here. Who knows more? You or the creator of the universe? Yeah. I know. Another spiritual slap to the face, but sometimes that’s just what you need. I thought I’d share this because maybe someone else is going through a similar situation. I hope this helps. Always remember that YOU are a child of God. YOU are Christ’s bride. He will love you to the end of the world and back. There could NEVER be a more beautiful you. God made you for a purpose and there is nothing that you could EVER do that could separate you from God’s love. NOTHING.

Well thanks for listening to my rant. If you’ve made it this far I just want to thank you! This kind of turned out to be a novel. I also just want to leave you with a poem I found online. It’s wonderful. Just think about it and pray about it. You are worth more than you could ever know to God!

The world conspires and says to me

I have to seize what I can see,

And give my life and heart today

To love not guaranteed to stay.

It feels so tempting to accept

This thought that my sane mind rejects,

For though security’s not giv’n,

A temp’ral love still sounds like heav’n.

It’s hard to hold myself against

The charm that my soft heart had sensed;

It’s hard to trustingly forego

Affections they now seems to show.

The time’s not right; I know this well,

Yet still in me emotions swell.

“Lord, can’t I take them, just for now?

If it’s Your will, You’ll show us how.”

Then God replied in tenderness,

So firmly, “Child, would I give less?

Would I give less than what is best,

When I have given you the rest?

“There is a story kept for you,

A story written for your due,

I wrote it with My loving hand,

It’s best—though not what you demand.

“There’ll come the day when you will see

A person made for you by Me;

I know it’s hard to let things be,

Yet I want you to wait on Me.

“If they should be the one for you,

Then let me mold both of you two

Until you’re ready for that day

For love committed e’er to stay.

“If it should be another one,

Then do not rush before I’m done;

In case you love someone untrue,

Someone I hadn’t made for you.

“Just trust Me, child, I love you so,

My love is all you need to know;

Would I retain from you the rest,

When I have given you My best?”

Worship.

I was at a Tenth Avenue North concert the other night. I was singing at the top of my lungs, I was dancing, the night was the best. Between some songs Mike Donehey would give a message. One message especially spoke to me. Mike was talking about worship and how some people hold their hands up in the air during worship. Some people do it to look the part of a Christian, some people do it because they are making a connection with God. Only God can know what’s in your heart. (1 Samuel 16:7) He told about how his daughter would run up to him and crash into his knees and just hold her hands up to him. His daughter would just keep saying “Up. Daddy up. Up!” until he picked her up in his arms. That’s how we should come to Christ. That’s why we should raise our hands to the Lord during worship. Some people say, “Oh it feels awkward.” Well good. It should feel awkward because people are so used to trying to take care of things on their own that they forget they have someone to bring their problems to. It’s a time to admit that you’re weak. It’s a time to speak to God about what’s eating you away at the core of your being. It’s a time to praise God for his mercy and love. It’s a time to admit that you can’t do this by yourself and that you just need your father. You need him to pick you up from your brokenness and hold you. Worship is a surrender.