Redemption.

While perusing the interwebs I ran across this quote: “We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love.” Now just think about that for a second. Hating yourself isn’t going to magically change you into the person you want to be. Yeah, you heard me, so stop being so hard on yourself!  Now, this also got me to thinking about sin and guilt and shame.  We can all get pretty hard on ourselves when it comes to sin. We all sin and we’re all going to mess up because we’re human and naturally when we screw up or make a mistake we have to deal with consequences. It’s natural to feel guilt for something you’ve done wrong. However, I think shame is a different story. I think guilt and shame frequently get lumped together when they are two different things. Guilt tells you that you did something bad whereas shame tells you that you are bad. Shame is guilt on steroids. Shame tells you that even though you’ve repented of your sins, you are still dirty. Shame tells you that you are the worst person. Shame tells you that no other Christian has sins like you. Shame tells you your sins are unforgivable.  Shame tells you that you’re unlovable. Shame tells you that Jesus blood isn’t enough. Shame tells you that you aren’t enough. But do you know what shame forgets to tell you while it’s telling you all those other things? Shame forgets to tell you that it is a lie. Yes, we all sin. Yes, we are broken. Yes, we are dirty but guess what? Jesus shed his blood on the cross for this exact purpose. Jesus died on the cross to forgive our sins and heal us and make us clean. Don’t misunderstand me in saying that since Jesus died on the cross you can sin however you want and not feel bad. That is not it. When you sin I pray you are convicted and that you earnestly look to Jesus and ask for forgiveness. Christ knows your heart and he knows you and so when you earnestly ask for forgiveness, God gives it to you. Your slate is wiped clean and it’s as if it’s never happened. 

There are moments when you are going to feel guilty and then your guilt will turn into shame and you’ll find yourself just dwelling on how awful you are, however, I pray that you can recognize in that moment that all those horrible things you are believing about yourself are lies. Satan is the father of lies. He makes lies sound like they’re solid truth but they’re not. They are so not. The Ben Rector song “If You Can Hear Me” comes to mind when I think of this because there is a line in the song that says, ‘sometimes the devil sounds a lot like Jesus, telling me I’m not enough.’ That is so accurate. In those moments we start to believe that it’s Jesus telling us that we’re not enough but that can’t be any farther from the truth. Jesus thinks you’re enough. He thinks you’re so enough that he died on the cross for you.  Jesus loves you so, so much.

“For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.” –Psalms 103: 11-12

That’s what REDEMPTION looks like my friends and it’s the most beautiful truth in the world.

Dear Heart

Well hey there.  I haven’t shared any of my recent thoughts with you so here I am typing away. It’s that time of night again…or should I say morning? It’s 12:55 a.m. and of course in my mind that means it’s prime life evaluation time. Greaaaaaat. I feel it’s at this time of night/morning I do the most thinking but I come to the worst conclusions. I’ll let you step into the mind of Jenny Joffer for a moment.

Thought 1: I have so much to do by the end of the semester; it’s impossible. There is not enough time in the day to accomplish everything. (I proceed to go into syllabus shock.)

Conclusion 1: I am going to fail out of school which means I’ll never become a Child Life Specialist which means I failed which means I’m a failure which means I’ll never succeed at anything in life.

Thought 2: I don’t have a boyfriend because… and here I would create a list of every possible thing you could rag on yourself for.  (I’ve come to realize I’m not very nice to myself. I need to work on that. You probably need to work on that too.)

Conclusion 2: I am going to die alone.

As you can see, this type of thinking isn’t productive. I fall into these lies of the enemy that try to convince me that I am worthless and everything in my life is hopeless. Satan eats away at my insecurities and stokes the fires of my deepest hurts.  I know. What a douche. All the while, we live in a culture telling us to listen to our heart because it knows us best. There’s that songs that’s all like,  “Listen to your hearttttt, when he’s calling for youuuu….” You know what? No Roxette (singer of the song). No, I will not listen to my heart because my heart is a friggen’ idiot. Not the physical heart because that keeps me alive and therefore it is great, but the emotional heart. Let me hit you with a little scripture.

"The heart is decietful about all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9

Yeah. Boomtown. Population: The Bible. My heart doesn’t know what’s best for me. My heart deceives me. My heart clings to things like a friendship, an accomplishment, or a boy to make me feel worth. Then when I am let down or disappointed by that thing or that person I feel so empty and worthless. I set this unreachable standard that would be crazy for anyone or anything to meet but my heart tries to convince me it’s logical. Heart, I think it’s time you take the backseat and buckle yourself in for a little G-O-D. This world is a beautiful place. It has beautiful people and moments for me to experience but it isn’t the ultimate beauty I have in this life. God is. I like to think of it this way: so I really love this person and this person makes me happy. They are kind and wonderful and they make my dopamine levels go all silly. Like just a ridiculous amount of love going on and I basically think they’re the greatest thing since sliced bread. Then I get this thought that this person that I love is just a reflection of the God who created them. So it’s like for as amazing as I think this person is, God is unfathomably more amazing than they could ever hope to be and the love I feel for them is only a fraction of the love God feels for me. Woah. I’m not saying I’m perfect and I’m not saying I won’t have a Taylor Swift sound-tracked pity party every now and then but at the end of the day I know that I have to look to God for everything and not my heart.  I have a hope that anchors my soul.

“We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf…” Hebrews 6:19-20

And that hope is God. Amen.

Worn

"I'm tired, I'm worn, my heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing, I've made mistakes, I've let my hope fail, my soul feels crushed by the weight of this world..."

This lyric has been residing in me this morning. Man, I sure am tired. Not the "I-just-woke-up-and-hate-mornings-because-they're-the-worst" kind of tired but more like the "mind, body, and soul" are tired. We're getting to the end of the semester and by this point school is wearing on everyone. I find myself multiple times a week saying "Why am I here? I'm dropping out of school and running away to the mountains of Calcutta!"It sounds pretty great. (Well actually I'm not sure about the whole Calcutta part. I haven't really done any research about the mountains there or thought about whether unskilled outdoors-woman Jenny Joffer could survive there so I'll keep you updated.) Regardless, the thought of dropping all responsibility and just having rest sounds wonderful. I'll be sitting in class and my teachers' voices start to sound like resounding gongs and instead of listening to what they're saying I'll be worrying about big assignments that are coming up. After I do that I feel overwhelmed and tired and basically like "woe is me." This is me only touching on the school aspect of life and I feel run down already. We can't forgot to mention things like family, friends, boys, faith, money, job....the list could go on and on. There are all these external things that can just bring you down. But there is hope at the end of the tunnel...

"I know that you can give me rest, so I cry out with all that I have left, let me see redemption win, let me know the struggle ends, that you can mend a heart that's frail and torn, I want to know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life, that all that's dead inside can be reborn..."

In God we can have rest. We can be filled up and renewed. How beautiful is that. In the middle of this little mess we call life, God is here with us every step of the way. When I feel stressed or overwhelmed about something I go to God in prayer asking him to help me trust him and praying that I can have a sense of peace in my heart. The wonderful thing about that is, it works. Seriously, I will be going from pretty much a full-blown panic attack to "Okay cool, God's got this." He's just so neat like that. Maybe you're like "Jenny, I mean that's cool and all that praying to God can calm your restless heart but I want to actually hear God speaking to me." Well then my friends it's your lucky day because you can hear God speaking to you....through the bible! A certain verse comes to mind when thinking about feeling worn:

Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ~Matthew 11:28

Say what?! Did God just offer to give me rest? Ummm I volunteer as tribute because rest sounds wonderful in my life. Now am I trying to say that if you pray to God about this and dig in his word you will always feel rejuvenated? Sadly, no. We are all human and sinful in nature and so no matter how hard we try we will always fall short but the good news is that we have a God who loves us despite of these downfalls and he will help us to earnestly seek him. This life won't always be merciful and loving towards us but the good news is that we have a God who always will be.

Here is the song:

And here is an awesome message from Mike Donehey, the lead singer of Tenth Avenue North, about being worn:

Doubt.

Okay so here I am reading through the book of John and Jesus is performing miracles like healing this man at the pool of Bethesda, turning water into wine, taking a couple of loaves of bread and some fish and feeding five thousand people, walking on water, you know, just another day in the life of Jesus. I’ve heard these stories a thousand times and they never really hit me until now. How incredible. For example: 

John 5:1-9

“After this there was a feast of the Jews, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, in Aramaic called Bethesda, which has five roofed colonnades. In these lay a multitude of invalids—blind, lame, and paralyzed. One man was there who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, ‘Do you want to be healed?’ The sick man answered him, ‘Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.’ Jesus said to him, ‘Get up, take up your bed, and walk.’ And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked.”

Seriously, can you imagine Jesus walking up to you, a person who has been blind, lame, and/or paralyzed for almost 40 years and then Jesus tells you to grab your things and walk and you are suddenly healed? All of your ailments are gone. You’re as healthy as an ox. Ahhh it’s so cool. Or how about this, you and your friends are on a boat, in the middle of the sea, there is no land and no one around and all of a sudden you see someone walking on the water and it’s Jesus. He’s walking to your boat. Crazy. Just crazy.

 So Jesus is performing all these miracles right? But then the Pharisees aren’t having it. They’re like “Who is this Jesus? He’s says he’s the Son of God. He’s not listening to us! Blasphemy.” And crowds of Jews are swarming Jesus trying to confront him about this with full intentions of arresting and killing him but they can’t because they see the glory of God in him. You know, this just baffles me. The Pharisees and hundreds, even thousands of other people could see first hand accounts of these miracles or hear these stories from friends and not believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God. How could you stand in the presence of Jesus Christ, be literally 5 feet away from the Savior and not believe in him? That’s crazy! Or is it?

 I’m such a hypocrite. Sometimes I feel like those Pharisees. I don’t doubt Jesus being the Son of God or anything but I find myself doubting God and what he’s doing. I’m like “Okay cool God. Well, I don’t really know what you want me to do now. I thought I was doing everything right and now it all got thrown back in my face. Now what?” The crazy thing is, I have access to God everyday. How might you ask? For starters, I have the bible. God breathed scripture. There are words in there that actually came out of Jesus mouth. The bible is how God speaks to so many. I also have prayer. I can literally talk to God whenever I want. If I’m having a bad day, I tell him about it. If I’m walking to class and stop to admire the beauty of God’s creation, I praise him for it. I can cry to him, sing to him, praise him anytime I want to and he hears me. He hears everyone. How neat is that?

 Finally, I see God in other people. No I don’t look people in the eyes and literally see the face of God in them or anything but by their words and actions and kindness and love. Seriously, I look at my mom and know that she has a heart for God because she loves so selflessly. She loves me and everyone else unconditionally no matter how many times we screw up. She is kind and compassionate and earnestly seeks God. So many of my friends and family are like that. I can see God working in them. It’s so encouraging knowing I have so many people like that in my life because sometimes you’re the only bible some people ever see. What a powerful thought. So if you’re ever feeling some doubt or disconnected from God say a little prayer or open your bible or maybe do both with a friend because God’s there waiting for you to come to him.

Relationships.

So this past weekend I got to thinking about relationships. I’ve been listening to the song “Beloved” by Tenth Avenue North and it has quickly become one of my favorite songs. A line from the song is:

 “chasing lovers it won’t satisfy…”

Relationships. We worry about them all the time; if we are in them, if we aren’t, if we’ve had many, or if we’ve had zero. When you’re in relationships you feel on top of the world and when you aren’t in one you feel like something’s wrong with you. It’s like you have a sign that says ‘Leprosy’ on your forehead and everyone can see it. For a very long time I struggled with this topic. I found that especially in junior high, high school, and college you have this intense need to feel wanted by somebody. You feel like if you just had a relationship with someone you would be whole and you would have everything you need. You feel like if you were in a relationship then everything would fall into place, you’d become the best possible version of yourself, and you wouldn’t have worries anymore. Chasing lovers is an easy but temporary place holder for feelings of happiness and completeness. I lived thinking worldly relationships could satisfy me for a long time. Granted sometimes I still feel that way but I’m on my way to getting where I need to go. Then I got to thinking about my relationship with Christ. Sure, it was good but was it as good as it could be? I always felt this empty feeling inside and had blamed it on not having worldly relationships but really could it have been because of my half-hearted relationship with God? Sure it’s wonderful to be in a relationship with someone. I am in no way looking down on people in relationships. I just believe that your relationship with Christ should be #1 before you even think about being in a relationship and once you are in a relationship I believe Christ should be the center of it. It’s so easy to want a relationship just because it’s nice to say you’re in one, but then once you’re in one you really get to see people and figure out who they are. As human beings, it is our downfall that we will always disappoint. No matter how much you don’t mean to or no matter how hard you try you will always disappoint and you will always be disappointed if you are looking for fulfillment in worldly relationships. With God, he never EVER disappoints you. He will never hurt you or leave you out to dry. He will never tell you that you’re not good enough. He will NEVER reject you. That is why once you are in a relationship make God the center of it. You are his child and all he wants to do is love you. The hardest part is having the courage to love Christ back. And not just with half of your heart, but with ALL of it. It’s a scary thing. Just letting go and falling in love with Jesus but it is also one of the most beautiful things you can encounter. Sure it’s not easy. You are going to struggle but God is there to help you with those struggles and to help you learn from them. I am nowhere near where I need to be in my relationship with Christ but I’m trying my hardest to get there. If you are hurting or confused about a relationship please just pray about it. Pray for peace and contentment. Pray to fall deeply in love with Christ. I’ve only recently begun to do this and honestly I’ve never felt so at peace. It’s beautiful. You are in the season you’re in because God knows its right for you. As Proverbs 16:9 says “We make our own plans but the Lord decides where we will go.” What a spiritual slap to the face huh?! Just try to remember that though. We are so arrogant in thinking we know what’s best for us but we don’t. Just fall in love with Christ and let him take care of things. Besides let’s be real here. Who knows more? You or the creator of the universe? Yeah. I know. Another spiritual slap to the face, but sometimes that’s just what you need. I thought I’d share this because maybe someone else is going through a similar situation. I hope this helps. Always remember that YOU are a child of God. YOU are Christ’s bride. He will love you to the end of the world and back. There could NEVER be a more beautiful you. God made you for a purpose and there is nothing that you could EVER do that could separate you from God’s love. NOTHING.

Well thanks for listening to my rant. If you’ve made it this far I just want to thank you! This kind of turned out to be a novel. I also just want to leave you with a poem I found online. It’s wonderful. Just think about it and pray about it. You are worth more than you could ever know to God!

The world conspires and says to me

I have to seize what I can see,

And give my life and heart today

To love not guaranteed to stay.

It feels so tempting to accept

This thought that my sane mind rejects,

For though security’s not giv’n,

A temp’ral love still sounds like heav’n.

It’s hard to hold myself against

The charm that my soft heart had sensed;

It’s hard to trustingly forego

Affections they now seems to show.

The time’s not right; I know this well,

Yet still in me emotions swell.

“Lord, can’t I take them, just for now?

If it’s Your will, You’ll show us how.”

Then God replied in tenderness,

So firmly, “Child, would I give less?

Would I give less than what is best,

When I have given you the rest?

“There is a story kept for you,

A story written for your due,

I wrote it with My loving hand,

It’s best—though not what you demand.

“There’ll come the day when you will see

A person made for you by Me;

I know it’s hard to let things be,

Yet I want you to wait on Me.

“If they should be the one for you,

Then let me mold both of you two

Until you’re ready for that day

For love committed e’er to stay.

“If it should be another one,

Then do not rush before I’m done;

In case you love someone untrue,

Someone I hadn’t made for you.

“Just trust Me, child, I love you so,

My love is all you need to know;

Would I retain from you the rest,

When I have given you My best?”